Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”