[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good