[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.