“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?