Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall