Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Sponch
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too