Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Received some very disappointing news today
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
This is me 🤣🤣
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school