Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease