Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Namaste
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
i have one speed and it’s mosey
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.