I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok