Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.