date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’m Sold!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
🤭😂
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh