professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
You Might Also Like
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf