Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
greetings!
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
all that yoga finally paid off
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.