[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.