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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.