Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
#Caturday
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.