The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
This probably isn’t good
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Mood.. 😂
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.