Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.