If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Who.
Did.
This?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
become ungovernable
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
This did not end as expected.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are