So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.