It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
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Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Bros before Ohioes
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.