I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You Might Also Like
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
can you read it!!??
maan!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?