The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”