For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit