Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.