someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby