WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
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guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.