Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
You Might Also Like
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
This guy must be getting annoyed by now