Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
gm
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ