Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Girl, same.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Well well well…
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening