“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase