1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
You Might Also Like
A friend helps you before you need it
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell