5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.