[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The struggle is real
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people