Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
don’t be scared
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct