Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.