Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.