When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
How times have changed.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.