The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The Punning Dead.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read