accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
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Body by cheese-puffs.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.