Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.