That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
You Might Also Like
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”