Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.