A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I miss this era type of pranks😭