Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.