ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
You Might Also Like
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’m too immature for adultery.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.