A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.