Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
just having fun
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.