Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Best misinterpreted text ever!
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg